Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
My underwear smells like fireworks.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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