My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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