After last night, I could never be a politician.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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