I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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