were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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