bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just had sex bonerless
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
