the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
