He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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