I can tuck mytits in my pants
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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