mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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