I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
