so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
