i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
