I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
