The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
