sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
