i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
