Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
