Swine flu. Run for my life!
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
