i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
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