I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
