The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
