How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
