i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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