his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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