what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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