hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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