My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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