Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
