On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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