did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
