i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
