I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
