i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
