I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
