LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
