I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
