I need to stop coming to work sober
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
