If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Text me some of your sweat
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