I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Everclear isn't food dammit
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize