I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
