I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
