I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
