I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
