I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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