I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
