apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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