I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
