How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize