Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
