Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
