it was like his penis was on wheels.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
