I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
