And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
