oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i permit you to call me
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
