I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
