Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I was not drunk enough for that final.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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