So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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