I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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