so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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