i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
