I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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