I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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