the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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