Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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