Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
