Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
