some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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