Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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